


Tumblr Shorts

by dip_the_pip



Series: tumblr shorts [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Realistic, random assortment - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-07-03 04:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 12,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15811005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dip_the_pip/pseuds/dip_the_pip
Summary: From little drabbles I come up with, to prompts sent in to me; this is a collection of everything (nothing is connected)





	1. Hot Damn

They had taken pictures with the storm troopers and a few selfies, and were generally enjoying the night. Well, Dan was at least. 

Phil tried so hard throughout the night to keep his mind, eyes, and hands off of Dan, because he looked so delicious in that white suit, the dress pants hugging his ass beautifully. 

They had been queued up to finally head into the theatre, and Dan was standing in front of him chatting quietly to Bryony, and PJ and Sophie were behind him, just enjoying spending time together.

Phil couldn’t help it as he let his eyes drift down and skim over Dan’s ass in attempt to make it look like he was checking to make sure his shoes were still tied, and he felt his face flush. 

There were no cameras around at that moment, and Phil knew if he really wanted to, he could stand close to Dan. Discreetly hold his hand, even, but Phil knew neither of them would feel 100% okay with it, even if it was a nice thought.

Plus, Phil knew if he touched Dan at all, that’d be it. He would be done for. He wouldn’t be able to keep himself from his beautiful man. 

They got into the theatre fairly quickly and got to seats and got comfortable to watch the premiere of the film. They had all been excited, Dan and Phil still following tradition of not watching any spoilers or reading anything up about the movie, but as the lights dimmed and everyone got settled in, Phil wished he had watched the movie trailer.

There was absolutely no way in hell he would be able to pay attention to the film at all when Dan was sitting next to him looking  _like that._

Dan’s always been handsome, Phil knew that, but something about Dan in that suit was doing something  _dangerous_  to Phil, and he didn’t think he’d be able to control himself for the length of the movie. Well, he knew he could, but he really rather not.

He rather be back at home tearing that pristine white suit off of Dan’s lanky body. That’d just have to wait until later, Phil thought.

As the lights began to dim, Dan’s hand slowly slid onto Phil’s knee and up his thigh. The music began playing loudly and the audiences cheered as Phil felt Dan lean into him more and whisper into his ear, squeezing his upper thigh. 

“You look  _phenomenal_ ,” 

Phil’s breath hitched as a smirk played on his lips. “Says you,” He whispered back, letting his hand cover his on his thigh.

Now Phil knew for certain, he was getting laid tonight.


	2. I love you, please dont go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the writing prompt: "I love you, please don't go"

Tears streamed down his pink blotchy cheeks as he stuffed clothes and chargers into a duffel bag. His hands were shaking, and anger boiled deep in his belly. 

“ _you weren’t meant to find out like this!”_  The other man screamed into his face. 

“ _You said you were going to be at your parents until Sunday!”_  Yeah, as if that makes it any better.

“ _He’s just a friend, it’s nothing serious.”_

_“You’re fucking leaving? It was a mistake! You can’t just give up on me…on us…”  
_

“ _I love you, please don’t go…”_  That was the last thing he heard as he slammed their front door behind him and grabbed a cab to the nearest train station. 


	3. 16-hour Flights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exhaustion hits after the long flight to Melbourne

They rode up the lift in silence, Phil tapping vigorously on his phone while Dan had his back up against the wall opposite him. His eyes were heavy, and he could barely understand how Phil had any energy left to be able to keep typing away.

The lift dinged and Phil quickly walked off, his eyes not coming up from his phone, leaving Dan to trail the suitcases behind him. They walked in silence through a few hallways before Dan stopped in front of their room, pulling the keycard from their welcome bag and swiping it.

He pushed into the room first, taking their suitcases by the window so they were enough out of the way for them to get settled in. The door clicked behind Phil and buzzed to indicate it was locking. 

Dan sighed heavily and went to the loo before coming back out and beginning to peel off his clothes. He felt like they were clinging to every inch of his skin, it felt suffocating. 

Once he had tossed his shirt, socks, and trousers on top of their cases and was left in just his pants, he turned once again back to Phil, who hadn’t moved more than a few feet into the room and was now perched on the edge of the desk chair. 

“What the hell is so important that you haven’t looked up from your bloody phone in over 10 minutes?” 

Phil looked up, slightly startled. He blinked a few times like he was adjusting to real life, now that he was pulled away from his phone. “What?”

“Your phone. I want it.”

Phil slowly handed the phone over to Dan, who snatched it from his hands and walked across the room to put it into their carry-on bag. 

“What’s your issue?”

Dan rolled his eyes as he zipped the bag shut and turned back to face him. “We just got off a fucking  _16 hour flight_ , Phil. I’m exhausted. We have barely 3 days to fix our jeglag before our next show, and there’s no possible way I can get any sleep with you clickity-clacking over here on your damn cell!”

Phil slowly stood up, taking a step closer to Dan, who was visibly shaking, whether from anger or exhaustion, Phil couldn’t tell. Phil gave him the softest smile he could and reached out to grab his hip, gently rubbing his thumb over the divots of his hip bone. “I’m sorry. I really am, love.”

Dan tried to take a deep breath, but the exhaustion finally won over his emotions and he fell into Phil’s arms, clinging to him as a few tears slipped out. 

“Let’s sleep, yeah? You go get comfy and I’ll wash up and join you.” He whispered into the soft lump of curls tucked into his neck. 

Dan gave a weak nod and pulled away, wiping away his tears and going to pull back the heavy hotel duvet and climbing into bed. Phil went into the washroom and returned a few minutes later in just his pants. He slid into bed next to Dan and set his glasses on the nightstand before flicking off the lamp.

“Get some good shut-eye. When we get up, we’ll order room service and then I’m taking you to the beach.”

Dan snuggled into his chest and wrapped his arms around his middle, breathing him in deeply. Neither of them smelt great, but they did the best they could considering the length of their trip. “Will it be warm and lovely?” He asked into the darkness. 

“Of course, an Australian beach is bound to be lovely.” 


	4. Detectives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied character death
> 
> Based on the writing prompt: "How could you as me that?"

Lester and Howell had been partners for many years, detective and romantic partners. It caused countless disputes between the pair, along with HR and the higher-ups worried about it affecting their ability to perform their duties. 

They worked many cases together as well, much to the higher-ups displeasure.They were indisputably the greatest detectives in London, so there wasn’t too much management could say about their personal relationship, considering they had managed to bring down one of London’s largest drug rings. 

Lester had been working on a difficult murder case with a fellow detective, Howell having turned down working with his partner for a smaller robbery case with another detective. Phil didn’t understand why, Daniel had always loved messy cases, especially murders. 

“Why not?” Phil had asked him over dinner. A simple enough question, Phil figured. He should’ve known at the time, that his husband would’ve replied with an equally simple answer. 

“Just not feeling the case, love. No big deal.”

And normally, it wouldn’t be a big deal. 

But when Dan started avoiding talking about the case, Phil knew something was up. 

He ran into his husband in the break room one afternoon, more like followed him moments after he left his desk so he could corner him. 

“Your robbery case is closed.”

“Yes…”

“You can join the murder case then.”

“Phil, I really don’t think I’ll be of any use to you.” Dan said softly, letting his hand rest on Phil’s bicep. They typically kept PDA to a minimum at work, so the tender touch threw Phil off even more.

“We’re raiding tonight. Jeremy and I think we found the murderer. Turns out this guy is knee-deep in a  _ton_  of illegal shit. Gangs, murders, drugs. This is gonna be a goldmine, love.”

“Phil I really don’t-”

“And you can’t argue it. Captain put you on the squad for tonight. I thought I could convince you, but if I can’t, a Captains order will have to do.” Phil said with a shrug, leaning in to press a quick, chaste kiss to his cheek before gently taking the steaming coffee mug from Dan’s hands and walking out without another word. 

* * *

The squad was all geared up and at their target building at exactly 11:30pm. There were hushed voices communicating over their walkie-talkies as officers at other entrances went over a quick run-down of the plan. 

Phil could still tell something was off with Dan. He was spaced out, a loose grip on his gun and chewing on his bottom lips like a piece of gum. 

“Howell,” Phil said in a hushed whisper. Dan’s eyes looked up to meet Phil’s, and all Phil could see was fear.

Fear of what, though? Dan was one of the bravest people in their department. Who was this scared man in front of him now, because this didn’t look like Phil’s fearless, brave, selfless husband. This looked like the scared, nervous teen Phil had met when he attended the Academy. 

They maintained intense eye contact as another officer started counting down from 5 quietly over the walkie-talkies. 

Once they hit one, every officer began barging into the building and shouting at everyone to get down. 

Dan and Phil kept eye contact for a moment longer before they were shaken out of their trance and began running in with the other officers. 

Gun shots fired, men yelled and shouted while women screamed. Phil kept a careful eye open, making sure no one escaped. He hated having a gun, let alone using it, but if it would keep other civilians safe, he would use it when necessary. 

Shots kept going off, and it seemed like none of his officers were succeeding in arresting anyone. He quickly called for backup before finding a back hallway and hoping he could get to a higher ground from there.

He followed up the stairs before he came across Dan standing at the top of the stairs, frozen. His gear was off, his gun was nowhere in sight, and he was standing stiffly.

“P-Phil, go back downstairs.”

“Howell, what the hell are you doing with your equipment off? You are breaking protocol!” Phil said angrily, climbing up a few more steps towards his husband. 

“Phil, turn the hell around and go back downstairs.”

More gun shots, more shouting, more cries. 

Phil stepped up a few more steps. “Dan-”

A man walked around the corner and into Phil’s view. Phil recognised him immediately. He was their main suspect. 

“Hello there, Phil, was it?”

Phil held his gun up. “Drop the weapon!”

The man chuckled, not flinching. “Danny’s right, you really aren’t threatening, are you?”

Phil looked at him with confusion as he let his eyes glance towards Dan. “Excuse me?” He questioned harshly.

“Wow Danny, you really didn’t tell him anything, did you?”

“I told you that I wasn’t telling him shit!” Dan shouted at the man, who pushed his gun harder into Dan’s back.

The man chuckled and shook his head, gripping Dan’s shirt and putting a foot behind Dan’s heel, tugging him backwards roughly and causing him to fall to the floor as he quickly moved to grab Phil and drag him up the rest of the stairs.

Phil’s gun now lost falling down the stairs made his insides churn. 

The man managed to drag Dan and Phil to a small, isolated room. With both of the detectives now unarmed, the suspect held all the power as he locked the door behind him. He pulled another gun from the back of his belt and pointed one at each officer. 

“So, Dan, you never told your precious little husband why you didn’t take this case?” 

“Fuck off, Henry! You knew I wasn’t telling him anything!” Dan spat, but made no move to attack the man.

Phil stared at Dan, his mind racing. 

Being distant…

Turning down the murder case more than once…

The terrified look before they busted into this building…

“Holy shit, Dan did you fucking murder her?” Phil asked in disbelief, anger and confusion in his eyes. 

Dan gaped at him, his eyebrows knitting together tightly. “Excuse me?” He asked angrily.  _“How could you ask me that?”_

“I can’t fucking believe you’d murder someone, Dan! I thought…I thought I knew you! What the actual hell, Dan?” Phil screamed, tangling his fingers in his hair and tugging roughly. “You’re a fucking murderer!”

“I didn’t kill her, Phil! Fucking listen to yourself! You’ve known me for nearly 2 decades, and now you’re accusing me of killing a woman!”

Phil sputtered, panting heavily and looking back and forth between Dan and the man. “How the hell do you know him then?”

“Phil, that’s a long-”

“Because you helped him murder her!” As Phil was screaming, there was a loud bang, louder than the ones they could hear in the distance between the gang members and the police force. No, this bang made Phil’s ears ring, or maybe that was the sound of a scream. 

Phil pried his eyes open, since they had closed instinctively from the loud sounds, and the first thing he noticed was the door flung open, and the next thing he noticed was Dan curled up on the floor clutching his chest, but no more screams leaving his throat.


	5. Warning, please!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Implied smuttyness but like not rlly?
> 
> Based on the writing prompt: "You could have warned me!"
> 
> Martyn comes home early

Crispy brown and orange leaves fell from the tree outside Phil’s family home. It was mid October, and Phil had the house to himself. Well, himself…and a guest.

Dan, to be specific. For the first time, there wasn’t a screen separating them. No, now there was no distance between them as they spooned under the bright duvet while watching Wall E. 

Dan was slowly drifting to sleep, feeling comfortable and safe in Phil’s embrace after so long being away from him. He finally felt content. He finally felt like he could be himself.

They both woke up a little more as the film was coming to an end and credits were rolling. Hands wandered and gripped, lips kissed and sucked, teeth bit and nipped. There were heavy pants between the two boys, clothes being torn off bodies. 

They moved together in sync, moans filling the empty space of Phil’s bedroom. 

Their bodies moved to the imaginary tempo in their minds.

That’s when they heard the front door slam shut. Phil jumped off of Dan and moved to quickly tug his boxers on.He glanced back at Dan, who’s face was bright red before bolting down the stairs. 

Martyn was dragging in suitcases with a fiery red haired Cornelia behind him. “Hey Phil-”

“Why the hell are you home?”

“We came home early-”

“  _You could have warned me!_  “

“We didn’t think it’d be that much of a big deal, wait. Wait.  _Shit!_  You had Dan over this week, didn’t you?”

“No shit!”

Martyn grinned, walking past Phil and elbowing him in the ribs. “You’re lucky it was us and not Mum and Dad. Mum would’ve had a cow about those.” Martyn flicked a hickey on the side of his neck as Cornelia follow him to his bedroom, giggling softly behind him.


	6. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off the writing Prompt: "Stay here tonight"

Dan had arrived in Rawtenstall early one morning in the middle of August off of a bus, and Phil was already standing out front with Martyn. Martyn’s car was packed full of Phil’s belongings.

Phil’s face lit up as he saw Dan walking up to the house, surprisingly not carrying a bag. Martyn was the first to speak.

“Hey, Dan!” He said, going to clap him on the back and opening one of the car doors for him.

“Hey, Mart.” He said with a shy smile as Martyn stepped away. “I’m gonna run in and grab some waters, then we’ll get going!” 

Both boys nodded and watched him run inside before Dan stepped forward and was immediately engulfed in Phil’s arms. 

“Missed you…” Phil said softly into Dan’s hair, squeezing tightly.

“Missed you too…” Dan whispered back into his chest, letting his arms wind around Phi;’s middle. “Excited to finally have your own place?”

Phil nodded and pulled away to arms length, smiling down at Dan. “Yeah. I’m so excited for you to see it, too!” 

Dan glanced back at the front door before leaning up to press his lips to Phil’s quickly, a small smile on his lips. He felt Phil kiss back before they both pulled away at the sound of Martyn coming back outside.

* * *

They had gone into Manchester, had a quick brunch, and then went to Phil’s new flat. They spent a few hours unloading all of Phil’s belongings. When everything was brought in, Martyn smiled. 

“Well, there we go, Dibs! Now you’re an independent man!”

Phil laughed softly and plopped down on a beanbag chair he had brought along for furniture. “Now when are you going to become an independent man?”

“Fuck off, will ya? I’m saving up.”

“What could you possibly be saving up for?”

“I want to move to London, when Cornelia officially moves here.”

Dan and Phil both looked at Martyn with wide eyes and soft smiles. London had been a dream for both of them, and the fact that Martyn was trying to accomplish that with the person he loved, gave them each a bit of hope. 

“Alright, save up then, Marty! No crashing here though.” 

Martyn glanced around the bare apartment, chuckling softly. “I don’t think you really have to worry about that, Philly. I’m more concerned as to where you’re going to sleep.”

Phil shrugged. “I’ll figure it out.” He said with a confident smile as Martyn shook his head. 

“Alright, well I should be heading out, Dan you coming or staying?”

Dan gave a nervous glance between Phil and Martyn before shrugging. “Guess I’m coming.”

He had never originally been invited to stay with Phil anyways, and he didn’t want to be rude and assume Phil wanted him to stay the night. 

“Alright I’m gonna go start the car. Don’t take too long.” Martyn nudged Dan’s side before heading out of Phil’s flat, pulling the door closed behind him. 

Dan stepped closer to Phil, who was still lounging on the Beanbag chair. “Guess I’ll see you later.” He said softly. 

“Do you have to go?”

Dan shrugged. glancing back at Phil’s front door. “I probab-”

 _“Stay here tonight.”_ Phil interjected, climbing off of the beanbag and grabbing Dan’s hands, lacing their fingers together. “I mean…please?”

“I just…Your brothers waiting. I figured you’d want some time to settle in.”

“Martyn’s a big boy, he can drive home alone. It’d be easier to settle in with you.”

Dan looked up at him through his fringe, frowning slightly. “I don’t want you to get sick of me…”

Phil smiled and kissed him softly, moving his hands to cup Dan’s cheeks. “Never gonna happen…”


	7. Sick Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the writing prompt: "You're the only one I want to wake up next to"

Light shone in from the sliver between the curtains. They were curled up together, pressed skin to skin with their clothes from the previous night sprawled across the floor. 

As much as Dan wishes it was due to sexual reasons, it was because Phil had come down with a fever the night before while they were out to dinner, and all he had wanted to do was to peel off the clothes that were suffocating him. 

Then, he complained about it not being fair, that he was stark naked while Dan had climbed into bed in his Game of Thrones pyjama pants and hideous NASA cat shirt that Phil would never admit to actually loving. 

They were both awake, not speaking a word. They just stared at each other, gently tracing fingers along arms, across chests. Dan planted gentle kisses to Phil’s warm forehead, continuously running his fingers through his messy hair. 

Just enjoying each others presence. 

Letting themselves drown in the warmth of each other, and the warmth of Phil’s fever. 

Phil was the first to break the silence with a quietly, raspy whisper. “Tea please?”

Dan couldn’t deny that simple request for his sick husband. 

So he climbed out of bed, padded across the flat, and came back with lemon and honey tea, and some medicine. 

Phil tried to squeak out a “than you”, but it came out more as a squeak that sent him into a coughing fit. 

Dan smiled and gave him the proper amount of medicine before handing him the tea. “You’re on voice rest today, baby. I’m not letting a gaming video ruin you even more.”

Phil gave him a small smile and sipped the tea, relaxing back against the headboard. “I’m sorry you had to wake up next to a sick potato…”

“ _You’re the only one I wanna wake up next to_. And potato or not, I love you.”

“You could say I’m a… _hot potato.”_

 _“_ Shut the hell up and drink your damn tea.”


	8. I've got you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the writing Prompt: "I won't let anyone hurt you, you're safe with me"

Phil had suggested it. He really didn’t want to, but he’d do it to please Phil. Anything for Phil. 

Dan strolled along the streets of London, letting the crisp wind push against his face, making the bottom of his jacket flow behind him. He felt calm. He knew he was meant to be clearing his mind, that’s why Phil had suggested it, after all. Plus, the closest he’s gotten to going outside in the last week was when he went and answered the door for their food deliver the night before. So sure, he could get out of the house for a little while. 

He had been walking about twenty minutes before he stopped and grabbed a hot drink from Starbucks, sipping at the cinnamon-y goodness. 

Dan began walking through a park, one hand shoved in his pocket and the other wrapped around his drink. He had his earbuds in and playing the new Janelle Monae album. He let his eye graze over the area, tree’s were turning colour, families gathered on benches and picnic tables, and dogs running with their owners. 

Dan walked, letting his mind wander with the beautiful voice of Janelle ringing through his head. He was nearly halfway through the album when he felt a small tug on the hem of his jacket. He came to a halt quickly and tensed up, afraid of it being a bad encounter with a fan. He slowly turned around and furrowed his eyebrows, not immediately seeing anyone, until bight blue eyes from lower down caught his attention. He frowned, crouching down in front of the little girl with the glistening blue eyes. 

“Are you okay sweetie?”

She stared at him for a moment, her bottom lip trembling. She couldn’t be any older than 6, Dan figured. Far to young to be a fan, he hoped. 

“Are you lost?”

She shook her head a bit, before nodding slightly, and then going back to shaking her head. It was then that Dan noticed her shiver, and that she was only in a thin sweater and jeans. 

“Are you cold?” 

Without hesitation, she nodded.

_“I won’t let anyone hurt you, you’re safe with me.”_

* * *

That day seems so long ago now, Dan thinks as he makes soup for his ill husband and daughter. It had been a crazy few months of police visits, court visits, hundreds of papers they had to fill out just to foster her while the police looked for her parents. Months went by with Dan and Phil not quite sure what was going to happen, when she’d be taken away from them again, when they’d give up their little girl. But parents never stepped forward, no other family claimed her, she was completely alone besides the two saviours who had taken her in. 

Dan use to complain when Phil would make him go on walks, but he’s grateful every single day that he was able to save their daughter.


	9. Just a drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the prompts:  
> “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”  
> “Wanna go grab a drink?”   
> “Kiss me.”

Dan came out of his room for the first time that day around 4pm. He had no where to go, no one to see, the only thing that mattered to him today was his 3DS and Pokemon. 

He grabbed an apple from a bowl on the counter and a glass of juice, as Phil caught sight of him from the couch.

“ _What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”_ And Dan couldn’t help the eye-roll caused by his roommates antics. 

 _“_ Just grabbing a snack. You done anything today?”

Phil shook his head and set down his 3DS. “Probably just as much as you, but at least  _I_  left my room to play Pokemon.”

Dan rolled his eyes and walked out to go sit on the couch with him. “We are  _such_  lazy pieces of shit, honestly. I know it’s mostly bullshit branding, but I literally haven’t been outside in two or three days.”

“We should do something then, get out of the flat for a bit.”

“Gross. What would we even do?” Dan whined, sitting next to Phil and letting his head fall back against the couch.

_“Wanna go grab a drink?”_

_“_ Grab a drink? We aren’t in our early 20′s, Phil. Neither of us casually drink anymore.”

Phil shrugged and closed his 3DS after saving the game. “We don’t do anything fun anymore.”

“Or is Phil Lester just looking to get some ass?” Dan teased, grinning over at Phil who was blushing profusely. 

“Absolutely not. I just think we need to get out of the house.”

“Fine. Give me an hour and we can head out.”

* * *

A few hours later and more than a few fruity cocktails later, Dan and Phil are huddled over their phones on the table between them, giggling at pictures of a dog that Bryony had tagged them in.

“Look!” Dan exclaimed in a high pitched voice. “Look at his little floppy ears!” He squealed, a massive smile on his face.

Phil smiled at the phone in Dan’s head, but was unable to keep his eyes of Dan. That’s how he had spent most of the night, his eyes trained on Dan. Admittedly, he had always found Dan beautiful. That wasn’t a secret to anyone, including Dan, but it was times like this when Phil wished there was more. He wished he could take Dan’s hand, wrap his arms around Dan’s waist, fall asleep with him every night and wake him up every morning with a soft ‘I love you’ and a cup of tea. 

He was tired of just watching him from the sidelines, and the alcohol was lowering his inhibitions just enough for him to lean closer to his roommate, placing his hand on his knee.

Dan looked up from his phone, his eyes bright as he smiles at Phil widely. He could see Phil’s eyes drift from his eyes to his lips, and back up again, and Dan began leaning in just the slightest bit closer. “Phil?” He asked in a soft voice, and somehow Phil managed to hear him under the loud music playing throughout the bar.

“ _Kiss me,”_ Phil whispered, giving Dan’s knee a gentle squeeze as Dan leaned in just a bit more. 

“Phil, what…”

“Please…”

Fireworks is all that filled Phil’s tipsy brain as Dan’s hands reached up and cupped Phil’s cheeks, crashing their lips together. 

Phil quickly melted into the kiss, letting his hands move to Dan’s waist as Dan’s deepened the kiss, letting his tongue trace over Phil;s bottom lip and pressing in softly. 

Phil was the first to pull away, his breathing fast and uneven as Dan smiled and leaned in to kiss him gently. “Wow…” Phil whispered.

“Wanna head home?” Dan whispered back, letting their foreheads lean together briefly as they both worked to even our their breathing.

* * *

That night, they both fell into Dan’s bed, fully clothed in the outfits they had worn to the bar. They cuddled close together anyways, ignoring the uncomfortable denim of their jeans as Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s middle and buried his face into his warm chest. 

They had a long talk that night too, of feelings, of emotions, of how silly they both were for not realising their feelings sooner. They talked about their past, how this would effect their present, but they didn’t dare to touch subject on their future yet. 

Dan’s words began to slur as the clock reached 3am, and Phil pressed a soft kiss to the top of his curls. 

“Can I say one last thing?” He whispered into the darkness. 

He felt Dan nod his head, just the slightest.

“I love you…”


	10. Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on the prompt: "You've been drinking tonight, haven't you?"

Phil was sitting on the couch, grasping at his phone tightly with Dan’s phone on the couch next to him. He had left hours ago, which wasn’t that unusual. Dan often just needed time and space to allow himself to think. Phil understood. Kind of. He couldn’t understand completely how Dan rather wander the sketchy streets of London alone, instead of staying at home, safe in their shared flat. 

But Phil made himself understand, forced himself not to ask too many questions. He told Dan he’d always be there for him, never push him away or push him past his comfort level in recovery. Dan needed that, not a whiny boyfriend who just wanted to cuddle Dan’s demons away. Dan had snapped at him many times for thinking that way

_You can’t cure my depression with tea and blankets, Phil. This is serious shit. Just be supportive, kay?_

Dan’s words always ran through Phil’s head, especially when Dan would do this. He would leave without any notice or warning, usually would leave his phone behind, too. It didn’t matter if he took his phone or not, anyways, it’s not like he ever answered Phil’s texts or calls anyways. 

Phil sat perched on the edge of his seat for a few hours, flinching at every sound that happened in the world below him on the street. The only thing he wanted to hear at the moment was for the front door to open, for Dan to stumble inside with rosy red cheeks from the autumn chill, and to fall into bed together. 

Well, Dan did stumble in the door, and his cheeks were rosy, but from the stream of curses, Phil figured the rosiness probably wasn’t completely from the cool air. 

 _“You’ve been drinking tonight, haven’t you?”_ He asked in a defeated voice, setting his phone on the coffee table and walking towards the sound of Dan stumbling up the stairs, tripping every few steps and giggling louder than needed.

“Phil, Phil, Phil, shut up, you’re gonna wake the neighbours!” Dan said in a stage whisper before pushing his finger to his lip and shh-ing loudly. 

“I can’t fucking believe this, Dan! You’re absolutely wasted. How could you do this?”

“Well,” Dan hiccuped and sat on the top step, looking up at Phil. “you go into a bar, give the bartender money, and get drinks. It’s a fairly simple process.”

Phil shook his head and turned to take a few steps away. “I can’t fucking believe this, Dan…”

“Phil, wait, please don’t be pissed.” Dan grabbed onto the railing and struggled to pull himself up. “Phil please,”

Phil turned to face him, his arms crossed and tears in his eyes. “You aren’t even suppose to be drinking on your meds! This could seriously hurt you!”

“For fucks sake, not everything is about my damn meds, Phil!”

Phil rubbed his face and groaned, continuing to walk away again “I’m sleeping in the spare bedroom. Go to bed, Dan. I cannot do this right now.”

“Wait, what happened to never going to bed on an argument?” Dan’s voice was desperate.

Phil didn’t turn back to look at him as he spoke, “Guess things change. Goodnight, Dan.” 

Dan watched through tear-filled eyes as Phil walked away and down a hallway, hearing a door slam a moment later. 

Then the flat was deadly silent


	11. All Toasty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on the prompt: "It's cold, you should take my jacket"

They had met on the first day of Year 1. They both had Pokemon backpacks, and their cubbies were next to each other. 

They had both gone to the colouring table, and chosen different Hamtaro colouring pages. They also, both reached for the blue crayon at the same time. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, here, you can use it first!” Phil said with a toothy smile. Well, slightly less toothy than normal with his missing front tooth.

The other boy smiled back shyly and took it and used it to colour the sky as fast as possible before handing it back to the new friend sitting next to him. “Thank you, I really like your picture.” 

Phil looked down at his picture before looking back to his shy friend. “Thanks! Penelope and Bijou are my favourite.”

Dan looked back down at his own picture. “Snoozer and Sparkle are my favourites.”

Phil giggled and leaned over to get a better look at the picture. “That’s [Boss](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fhamtaro.wikia.com%2Fwiki%2FBoss&t=NmZlMjY2YTEyMGVhZTlmZjIxYTA3YTAzOTQzYzRhZjNiZTlmZjRjNiw5R1pqRHgzUQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A7nOEFLLeskWL7s3pSb14xA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fdip-the-pip.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175646253257%2F81&m=1) and [Howdy](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fhamtaro.wikia.com%2Fwiki%2FHowdy&t=MjllNGY1NmZiNDY1Y2YwNjFlYWFmODAxZTFhYjlkY2VjM2YyZTAwZSw5R1pqRHgzUQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A7nOEFLLeskWL7s3pSb14xA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fdip-the-pip.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175646253257%2F81&m=1), silly.”

Dan giggled along with the boy next to him. “I know that! Just sayin’ they’re my favourites!”

“Then you should be colouring them.” Phil said with a definitive nod, grabbing the big colouring book. 

“There weren’t any of them together.”

“Well, lucky for you, Mumma taught me how to use scissors!” Phil smiled and got up, going to grab a piece of blue construction paper and going back to the table. He ripped a few pieces of papers out of the colouring book and grabbed a pair of scissors, cutting four strange looking blobs out of the colouring book.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked curiously, trying to look over the boys shoulder.

“Crafting! Can you grab me a glue stick?”

A few minutes later, Phil was complete. On the blue construction paper was their four favourite characters,[ Snoozer](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fhamtaro.wikia.com%2Fwiki%2FSnoozer&t=MTVhMWUyMDlkOTQyMTIzYWNmZTM0MjZkOWEyYjUwY2Q3YjVjYjFlNSw5R1pqRHgzUQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A7nOEFLLeskWL7s3pSb14xA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fdip-the-pip.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175646253257%2F81&m=1), [Sparkle](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fhamtaro.wikia.com%2Fwiki%2FSparkle&t=YTQ4MjE5MDQzOWEzMDQ4MmRiYmNjMGNhZGMwMGMxNzdhZTEzYTkyNCw5R1pqRHgzUQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A7nOEFLLeskWL7s3pSb14xA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fdip-the-pip.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175646253257%2F81&m=1), [Bijou](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fhamtaro.wikia.com%2Fwiki%2FBijou&t=N2YyMGFlZDBiMTUxOTFkMzAwNjYyYmQ2YjJlMjY4YTc2OWU1OWE2Ziw5R1pqRHgzUQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A7nOEFLLeskWL7s3pSb14xA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fdip-the-pip.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175646253257%2F81&m=1), and [Penelope](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fhamtaro.wikia.com%2Fwiki%2FPenelope&t=ZTU0OTY4ZWQ5NGNhOWJjZTI0MDc5Zjc5MTQ0MDgyZGJlNDNmZGQwYyw5R1pqRHgzUQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A7nOEFLLeskWL7s3pSb14xA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fdip-the-pip.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F175646253257%2F81&m=1).

“Why did you put them all on there?” Dan asked curiously. 

“So we can colour together!” 

The boys smiled at each other and easily got settled into colouring the big pictures together. 

“My names Dan.” He said softly, looking at his friend through his curls.

“I’m Phil!”

And that’s how they stayed for the rest of the morning until the bell went for recess.

* * *

The boys were sitting in the grass in the middle of the field, “playing” Pokemon, though really they were just showing off their cards, since neither of them new how to play. 

There was a big gust a wind, blowing their cards every which way, which caused them both to scramble from their seats on the grass and catch them. As Dan was collecting a few cards, Phil watch as he picked them up with shaky hands. Another gust of wind blew over the field, and Dan dropped the cards as a shiver overtook his body. 

Phil shoved his cards into one of his pockets before walking over to Dan, helping him pick up and sort through the cards before gently grabbing Dan’s bright red hands. “Danny, are you cold?”

“N-No. I’m okay, I was just…scared of losing my Pokemon cards.”

“Well,  _It’s cold, you should take my jacket.”_  Phil said, unzipping his coat and shrugging it off his shoulders and handing it to Dan.

“Don’t be silly, Philly, now you’ll be chilly!”

Phil giggled softly at his little rhyme, and Dan wasn’t wrong, it was pretty chilly out. “I’ve had the jacket the first half of recess, you can have it the second half. It’s fair!”

Dan sighed softly and grabbed it with shaky hands. “Thank you,” He said as he pulled the coat on. 

Phil helped him zip it up before smiling brightly at his new best friend. “All toasty!”


	12. Stir-Fry's and Cheesy Doritos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A grocery shop adventure with angsty undertones

As he walked through the automatic doors, Dan tugged off his dampened hood. The rain didn’t ruin his hair, luckily. That would’ve just made everything even more horrible. 

He grabbed a trolley and tossed his backpack in it and leaned against the handle as he wandered slowly down the vegetable wall. Dan let his eyes trace over the fresh produce, contemplating what he needed. 

_What’s low effort, but yummy?_

He unzipped his backpack and pulled out his reusable bags. Gotta save the whales and turtles, right? He grabbed a freezer bag and let his eyes scan the colourful veggies again. He grabbed a green and red pepper, a package of mushrooms, a bundle of scallions, and sugar snap peas. 

Dan checked over the quality of each item before zipping the bag and putting it at the bottom of the trolley before continuing on. As he bypassed the fruit, the sweet scents caught his attention, and he reached to grab a carton of satsumas, adding them into his cart. 

Soft music played over the sound system from the radio. He bobbed his head slowly to an Ariana track as he made his way back to the meats. He hummed softly as he grabbed some beef strips, before reconsidering and grabbing cubed chicken. 

He then moved on to wander down each aisle. He didn’t need anything from most of the aisles, but enjoyed the colourful packaging that caught his eye as he slowly made his way along. 

_Crisps....granola bars.....cookies. He always liked cookies...._

Dan looked at the chocolatey, super soft cookies, his heart hurting a bit. He grabbed the box to toss in the trolley alongside his other purchased before taking a deep breath and putting it back on the shelf. 

He decided on a bag of Jalapeño Cheddar Doritos instead, letting himself indulge on some cheesy goodness. He deserved it, didn’t he?

Aisle after aisle, item after item

He grabbed a box of Jasmine rice and went over all the items in the trolley, trying his best to remember what he had back at the flat so he didn’t buy too much. 

Before going to the self check-out, Dan grabbed a bottle of Ribena finally. He scanned his items and input the veggies and put as much of it in his backpack as he could, having to carry the Doritos on the tube home.

He returned the trolley before pulling up his hood up and heading out into the gross, grey outdoors of London, making his way back to the empty flat....


	13. Glass Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan wants to be out, but doesn't want the pressure of being out. Phil has a suggestion.

Phil was used to Dan’s random disappearances. Sometimes it was a 20 minute walk to clear his mind. Sometimes it was leaving in the middle of Netflix binging to use the loo, and then ending up back in bed buried under a heap of blankets and pillows, deciding that watching a show was too much effort to watch and exhausting him just trying to follow the main storyline.

And sometimes he’d be upstairs in the office, curled up on the floor with his MacBook open in front of him with a half-edited video. Phil knew exactly what the video was. The video was nearly 2 years old, well at least the original was. It had been filmed, edited, re-filmed, and re-edited more times than Phil can even remember. Probably even more times than Phil knows about.

And almost just as many time’s as the video had been re-filmed, Phil has found Dan in that exact spot. Curled into himself, a blanket draped across him with the laptop open. He wouldn’t post it. Phil knew that Dan wasn’t there yet. He wasn’t there yet two years ago when it was first filmed, and Phil didn’t think he’d be ready for it even in a year’s time. He knew it was important to Dan, that _one day_ he would post it, but that day wasn’t anytime soon.

Phil snapped a quick picture of his love before stepping into the office and setting his phone on the desk. Dan may not be feeling that great, but he was always looking beautiful. At least in Phil’s eyes.

Dan barely flinched as the phone landed on the desk. He doesn’t acknowledge Phil in any way, actually. A few year ago, that would eat away at Phil, but now he just kneels down behind Dan, gently reaching over his torso to close the laptop. He picks up and moves to set it on the futon before slowly laying down behind him.

Phil gently lifts the galaxy throw blanket that is partially covering Dan, and gently tugs it to drape over the both of them. He wraps his arm around Dan’s middle and pulls him closer, letting his nose get buried in coconut scented curls.

“They’re going to abandon me…” Dan’s voice came quiet. They had been over this many times, over the video and just in casual discussion.

“You know they won’t. They love us. They love _you_.”

There was a soft sniffle that made Phil’s heart hurt just a little. “They’re getting fed up with waiting…numbers are going down, people still accuse us of baiting…”

“Numbers do not matter as much as your happiness, Dan. You know this. You know you don’t have to do this. There is no rush. There is no time limit.” Phil spoke softly into the back of his neck, hating that he could feel Dan’s whole body practically trembling.

“I don’t understand why I can’t just fucking do it…this is getting so pathetic. I’m 25, 26 later this year. I should be able to post a stupid video.”

“Is it, though?”

“Hmm?”

“A stupid video. Is it a stupid video?”

“Yes! I mean…no, but I’m just so sick of it…”

Phil let his fingers trace up and down Dan’s stomach slowly, hoping to ease some of Dan’s shakiness. “We don’t have to say anything. You know that. We’ve gone this long without saying anything.”

“But they’re always asking, always probing…so many people are leaving the channels…”

“Then let them leave. If they’re only sticking around for the possibility that we might be banging, then we don’t need them.”

That made Dan crack a little, a small smile playing on his lip causing his cheek to indent softly. “I feel like I’m lying. I feel like I’m not being genuine or true to myself or our audience…”

“Is it that you want to be out about us, or out about yourself?”

“It doesn’t really make any difference though, does it? If I come out, everyone will assume. If we come out, people will think we’re trying to make a statement, trying to bring numbers back up and become relevant again. We will become people’s weekly content. We’ll just be pawns in our own lives.”

Phil frowned and closed his eyes, hating that he knew Dan was right. There was some truth in what he was saying. It’s why they never did it earlier on in their careers. That, and the fact that they’ve seen so many wonderful couples torn apart by the vicious YouTube world. From money, fame, views, the never-ending need to keep numbers up, it ruins people. They become robotic machines pumping out content that they don’t care about. That’s why Dan and Phil kept their separate channels for themselves, allowing those to be their own personal issue and not something that they’d dump on their significant other. At least in the beginning. It wasn’t as big of a deal anymore to them, they had already overcome the worst of the YouTube world. They were immune to it now. They knew how to handle themselves, and how to help each other. It took them a long time to get to this point, though.

They’d become someone’s content, someone’s blog post. No one would take them seriously, they’d just become a trending tag. People would be mad, people would be happy. There would be homophobes, of course. But everything was good now. Everything was comfortable.

“What if…we just start living more honestly?”

Dan offered a dry laugh. “Yeah okay, how would we manage that?”

“Ever heard of the ‘glass closet’ concept?”

“Vaguely.”

“We live out without announcing. We don’t need to make a big statement, we don’t need to come out separately or as a couple. We can just _be_.” Phil said quietly, letting his fingers run gently along Dan’s ribs.

“It’d be a bit shocking if I suddenly started talking about enjoying dicks in my mouth.”

Phil giggled. “Dick, singular. But I’m not saying like that. Just letting our guards down slowly. Worrying less about how we appear on camera and being comfortable with each other. Less stiff and practiced. We shouldn’t be afraid of what they’ll think about a silly shoulder pat or a playful shove. Regardless of whether or not they know about _us_ , they still know we’re best friends, and that’s true whether we’re out or not. We are best friends before anything else.”

“You are my best friend...”

Phil chuckled quietly. “I know. You’re mine too, babe.”

“So, glass closet?”

“Glass closet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [follow my tumblr!](http://dip-the-pip.tumblr.com)


	14. Emails can Wait

His eyes were open, though they felt as heavy as lead. Jet lag was still kicking both of their asses, but slowly Phil was dealing with it. Dan, on the other hand, wasn’t. 

Dan was still go, go, go, trying to stay on the high that touring gave him. Going from travelling city to city, country to country, continent to continent, it really does a number on a person. But Dan isn’t ready to let that go. 

Phil rolled over slowly and was met with a soft glow from Dan’s laptop. Dan was propped up against the headboard, fingers typing away rapidly. Looking up at his face, Phil could see the exhaustion in his eyes. The bags only grew darker and darker as the tour went on, and now being back they are the worst Phil has ever seen them. 

The dim glow of the laptop reflects off Dan’s chest, making him seem pale, while Phil knew he had managed to get a bit of a tan over the tour, especially in Australia when they took a few days off with Martyn and Cornelia. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Phil asks softly, his voice raspy and low.

“Emails.”

“Well I can see that, dummy. Why?”

Dan gave a halfhearted shrug. “Needs to get done.”

“Yeah, in the morning. There’s no reason to be doing it at,” Phil sat up a bit, squinting at Dan’s screen. “almost 4am.”

“We have brand deals, IRL company stuff, merch stuff, we need to get back into the swing of things.”

Phil huffs and reaches over to shut Dan’s laptop. “Put the damn thing away and sleep. I will take care of emails tomorrow as long as you get some sleep.”

Phil watched as Dan let his eyes relax from staring at the screen. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone...”

Phil gently pulled him down into a more comfortable position laying down and wrapped his arms around his middle. “We just finished a 5 months world tour. I don’t give a shit if anyone’s disappointed in us right now, we just worked out asses off. Especially you.”

Dan let his eyes close slowly, curling into Phil’s chest a bit. “We worked our asses off the same amount...”

Phil let his fingers trace over Dan’s bare back slowly, humming. “We’ve been running on adrenaline, pizza, and approval for 5 months straight, along with meeting hundreds of people nearly every day. Sure, we worked the same amount, but the come down period is gonna hit you hard. Not having the stability and certainty of touring every day is gonna send you crashing, and I don’t want you obsessing over pathetic business stuff. You need a cool-down period. You need time to relax, sleep, come down from the tour high, and then working together to create a new routine now that we’re back home.”

Dan sighed quietly, tucking his face away into Phil’s neck. “Why are you always right...”


	15. How did this happen...

Ocean blue eyes, usually bright and colourful, full of life, are now dull and calm.

Perfectly styled up hair, now drooping against his forehead.

Slender, pale, long fingers are now red, beaten and bloody.

His beautiful porcelain cheek, darkened with a nasty mark of black and blue.

Lip split, mouth full of blood and dribbling down his chin.

 _If only I was stronger,_ he thinks, _____bigger, taller, angrier.._. 

maybe if he was better, he could’ve saved him.


	16. Lonely Halloween Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmao so i went into word to start a new fic and forgot that i wrote this in october, i havent read it through since i wrote it but eh i hope u enjoy <3 
> 
> Angsty whoops sorry

The door swings open and his mum is standing there, and the way she immediately looks behind him makes his stomach churn.

“Hello, love. Good trip?” She pulls him into a tight embrace and he melts into her, letting his bag drop to the ground as he wraps his arms around his mum. She smells warm, safe, comforting. She’s everything he needs right now.

“Long as usual, but nice overall.” He nods as she pulls away, her hands holding his shoulders.

Kath smiles softly and lets her eyes scan her sons face. “You look exhausted child. Come in,” She steps back into the house and lets Phil bring in his bag.

He pokes his head into the living room and says a quick hello to his dad before going upstairs to the bedroom he usually stays in when he visits. Once his parents moved out of their old home, they didn’t bother to give him and Martyn their own rooms, and instead let them choose which guest bedroom they’d like when they visited.

He closes the bedroom door behind him and leans against it, closing his eyes and letting out a long, slow breath. He tosses his bag off to the side and pushes off the door, toeing off his shoes into the corner before going to sit on the bed.

It’s not his duvet. It doesn’t smell familiar. But maybe that’s what he needs right now. Nothing familiar. Nothing safe and comforting. Maybe he needs this. He doesn’t think he does, but he hasn’t really been given a choice.

Phil pulls out his phone and unlocks it, letting his eyes linger on home screen picture. They were stuffed into one of those horribly tiny bunk beds on the tour bus and was taken with an unflattering front flash. He tries not to focus on himself too much, knowing his wrinkles, or “smile lines” as everyone else calls them, are prominent in the horrible selfie. But Dan on the other hand looks perfect as always. Cheeks rosy, hair curly, and slightly darker bags under his eyes than months before the tour. Phil loves it. They worked hard for those bags, though he knows Dan hates them. They’re the result of restless, anxiety-filled nights for the both of them. They could’ve made a movie franchise worth of ‘Sleepless nights with Dan and Phil’ if they really wanted to, though Phil figures their audience wouldn’t like videos of them in distress, especially if its _about_ their audience. And their show. And a million other unexplainable things.

Phil clicks on his text messages and answers a few texts from childhood friends that he was planning on meeting up with. He manages to hold a few conversations before he can’t help himself anymore, and opens his messages with Dan.

There are no new messages within the last 4 days. That hurts, but he knew that wasn’t going to change. Dan hasn’t replied to his texts in eve longer, their conversation mostly full of Phil’s blue bubbles, with very few grey bubble replies, or really short grey replies from Dan.

It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. It doesn’t matter that he’s a grown-ass man, he’s allowed to hurt.

_Made it home. Hope ur ok_

He isn’t going to get a reply, he knows that much. He chucks his phone on the bed and goes into the upstairs bathroom, splashing his face with cold water. He looks up into the mirror, and he isn’t a typically violent guy, but he just wants to punch his reflection.

He makes his way downstairs and into the kitchen where his mum is preparing him a coffee.

Kath looks up and smiles warmly at him before pointing over to the dining table. “Made some cakes love, help yourself.”

“Thanks mum.” He goes and sits at his regular spot and grabs a treat, breaking off small pieces and eating it slowly.

“Need to talk about it, Philly?” She looks over at him, and he wishes it was acceptable to curl up in his mum’s lap and cry and whine like when he was a child.

Instead, he shakes his head and wipes away a few crumbs. “I’m okay. Gonna head out with some mates in a bit, I think.”

“Mart and Corn are coming tomorrow, correct?”

Phil nods. “Yeah. I think they were going to the office Halloween party tonight.”

Kath chuckles and picks up the two mugs, walking to the table and sitting in across from her youngest son. It’s usually Martyn’s seat. She pushes a cup of coffee towards him and holds her own mug in her hands. “Office party? Shouldn’t you be there too, then?”

“I don’t really work in the office, though. Corn does, Martyn a lot of the time too, but there’s no reason for me to be there. It wouldn’t feel right going to the office party.” He shrugs a little, sipping at scolding coffee. It burns, it really does, but he can’t help but take another painful sip.

“Is uh, is _he_ going?”

Phil chuckles, though it comes out flatter than intended. “No, Dan isn’t going either. I mean…he could be. I don’t…I don’t really know, mum.”

Kath shakes her head a little bit, her heart hurting for her baby. “Did he say when he’d be back?”

“No.” His grip on mug tightens, and he almost afraid he’ll shatter it. “But he isn’t required to tell me that. He’s his own person. He’s allowed to bugger off wherever he wants to for however long he wants to.”

He hears his mum take a deep breath, and then feels her hands covering his around his mug. “You know you’re welcome here as long as you need.”

“Thanks, mum.” He gives her a tight smile before she moves her hands back towards herself, and he takes another sip of coffee. “I think I’m gonna go finish this in bed, answer a few emails, and nap before I head out tonight.”

“Will you be having dinner here?”

“Not tonight, we’re going to grab food while we’re out.”

“Alright my child, go rest up.”

Phil gets up from the table and goes around to where she’s sitting and leans down to peck her cheek. He grabs a few biscuits before heading upstairs with his coffee.

When he closes the door behind him, his chest feels tight, like he just can’t get enough air into his lungs. His head is starting to hurt, too, and all he wants to do is curl up under his grey, Dan-scented duvet back home, even though it’s starting to lose the smell of him.

Phil walks towards the bed and sets his coffee and cookies down on the night stand before grabbing his bag and digging out his laptop and charger. He gets set up in bed with pillows and blankets and starts up his laptop. He eyes his phone which is now at the foot of the bed facing downwards. It’s so, so, _so_ tempting to grab it. Phil wants to think he’s strong enough to resist that urge, but he’s only human.

He sets his laptop on the nightstand with his treats and drink and reaches down for his phone. His heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest as he finally flips it over. His lock screen lights up, showing his neon eevee lock screen picture. There are a few notifications, and he wishes he could just turn off his phone and ignore them, but he’s a people pleaser, he wants to be a good person.

He answers a few messages, and then goes into his and Dan’s conversation. The little ‘ _read’_ note and timestamp hurt. Dan had read the message only minutes after he sent it.

Phil knows it’s useless, but he rings Dan.

And it rings.

And rings.

And rings.

Until it goes to Dan’s voicemail. Phil knows Dan rarely ever checks his voicemail, unless it’s his grandmother or mum, but maybe he’ll listen this time.

“Hey. Shit, uh, I hope you’re doing okay. I made it to mums,” His chest feels tight again, tears feel close. He swallows thickly and clears his throat. “If you plan on heading back to the flat, there’s leftover pizza in the fridge. If you’re not in London well, I guess the fridge is gonna smell horrendous when I return,” he pushes out a laugh, but he feels close to breaking. “I’m heading out with some friends tonight. Mart’s gonna be here tomorrow.” He closes his eyes tight, tears threatening to spill over. He rubs the back of his neck, taking a deep breath.

“I love you. I really do, Dan. I hope you’re doing okay. I…I hope you’re safe. I know you, well both of us I guess, need this.” Fucking lie. Phil knows he doesn’t need this or want this. He hates it. Everything is a fucking disaster. “I know you’re not like, my property or anything like that, but it’d really put my mind at ease knowing…at least knowing you’re safe…” He picks at a loose thread on the duvet. He knows he needs to wrap it up. He desperately doesn’t want to.

“Mum says hi and that she misses you. I’m sure dad would say the same, haven’t talked to him much yet though. I uploaded the spooky week episodes and have them scheduled to post. I alternated days they’ll tweet from our accounts. If you can, reply to some people after the video. I’ll do my best too while I’m away.” Why can’t this be easier? “Alright, well, I’m heading out. I love you. Shoot me a text when you can. Or want. Seeya, Dan.”

Phil finally hangs up and tosses his phone back down to the foot of the bed. He leans back against his pillows and closes his eyes, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. He tries his best to keep his breathing even, wanting the tears to subside so he can actually get some work done.

One final deep breath gets caught in his throat, and the dam breaks. His chest caves in and his palms push against his eyes as he sobs brokenly. He draws his knees to his chest, wanting to be small enough to disappear. Anything else is better than how he’s feeling. Does he even know how he’s feeling?

He just feels lost. Broken. Alone.

He feels like his heart is being beaten repeatedly like a boxer’s punching bag.

And Dan was always better at boxing than he was.

\--

Phil has a little cry until his chest is sore and his eyes are burning. He gets up and removes his contacts and then gets back into bed with his glasses on.

His coffee is cold now, but he still manages to nibble on the fresh cookies as he replies to a few emails. After a little while he gives up and puts on an episode of The Office and lets himself drift to sleep.

He’s woken up a few hours later to his phone ringing. It’s muffled, and seems distant and almost non-existent, until he rolls over a bit and the duvet is pulled off of the phone.

He sits up and grabs his glasses from the nightstand before reaching down and grabbing the loud phone. His stomach sinks when he sees that it’s not Dan returning his call, and instead, it’s one of his mates that he’s going out with later that night.

He answers and chats for a few minutes, getting info on where they’re heading out for the night and what the plans are. When they end the call, Phil goes straight to his notifications. His heart speeds up when he sees Dan’s name, and he clicks into the message. It’s short, choppy, emotionless.

  1. _ive got 2nites vid._



It’s better than nothing, Phil figures. No matter how Dan’s feeling currently, he’ll put on his YouTube mask for replies until he can disappear into the void away from social media again.

_Perf. Thx. Did u get my voicemail?_

Dan just replies with a thumb’s up emoji.

Well shit, that almost hurts as much as being left on read.

Phil drags himself out of bed and to the bathroom. He quickly showers and gets cleaned up for his night out. He makes sure to pocket his wallet before ordering an Uber and going downstairs to his parents.

“You sure you don’t want a ride into the city, dear?”

“Thanks mum, but I’m alright.”

“Will you be home tonight?”

“Probably. Depends how the night goes, I guess. Might crash at someone’s flat. Might show up here at 4am. Only time will tell where the night takes me.” Phil smiles as Kath elbows him in the gut.

“Don’t be a smartass. Just let me know so your poor elderly mother isn’t worrying all night.”

“Mum, I haven’t lived at home in ages. There’s no need to worry.”

This time she smacks his chest playfully. “I always worry about my baby. You’ll understand someday.”

“When I’m a Mama Bear like you?”

Kath grins and reaches up to pinch his cheek. “Exactly.”

After a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye, he heads out for the night.

\--

Too many of them are sitting around a table much too small. The pub doesn’t smell pleasant and being squished up next to his mates makes it very clear who showers more regularly. They exchange stories and adventures, a lot of them focused around Phil’s tour.

“Who’da thought it’d be Lesty bein’ world famous!”

Phil flushes and shakes his head. Sure, they travelled the world and had many, many shows, but that doesn’t make him world famous. He’s just Phil.

“Wasn’t all great. Exhausting as hell. And being trapped with the same people for 5 months gets irritating.”

“You make fuckin’ millions, mate! All that other shit doesn’t matter!”

Sure, Phil has a good income. Significantly higher than his friends, but it isn’t as much as everyone thinks. Even on tour, they didn’t make as much money as everyone thinks they did. Once you factor in hotels for the entire crew, renting the venue, flights for the entire crew, all the crew’s paychecks, the tour buses for the crew and trailers for the set. It wasn’t necessary, but they also paid for the gas for the trailers and tour buses. Plus, like, a million other factors outside of tour like the IRL Company offices they rent, paying their employees in the office, other properties they own, security while on tour, and just…so many other behind-the-scenes things that would take too much time for him to go into. So, he just smiles. “Guess it doesn’t matter.”

“Where’s loverboy anyways?” One asks from across the table.

Phil lifts his fruity cocktail and takes a long sip before deciding how to answer. “Didn’t come this time. He’s uh, away. Made other plans.”

They all look at him suspiciously. Usually Dan’s attached to Phil at the hip, especially when they go up north and Dan’s out of his comfort zone.

“Since when do y’all do things separately?”

Phil offers a tight smile. “Sometimes things come up.”

Ian leans in a bit closer, and Phil’s hates the way that Ian still knows him so well. “Lester, did y’all split?”

Phil sips his drink again, wishing he’d somehow drown in it. “No. No, we didn’t…We aren’t splitting up. Things are just…difficult right now.”

“Where is he?”

“That’s a great question. I’ll let you know when I find out.” He mumbles bitterly.

“Shit Lest, sorry we didn’t realize sooner. Anything we can do?”

“No, really, I’m okay. I just wanna relax with my mates and have a few drinks.”

“Fuck that, we’re doing shots.” One friend gets up and goes to the bar before anyone can argue.

“Doesn’t he have like, a wife and kids to go home to tonight?” One chimes in, and the table erupts into laughter and falls back into casual conversations.

His friends didn’t lie though. They did shots. More shots than Phil can remember doing in the last 5 years. Once he’s finished the ordered shots and finishes off his fruity cocktail, he excuses himself to the loo.

His head is spinning, but he manages to make it to the restroom. He’s startled when he sees a man with off-white face paint, fake blood, slicked back hair, a black cape and fangs standing at the urinal. He stares, trying to wrap his head around the situation.

Mr. Vampire chuckles and glances back at Phil before returning his focus to the urinal. “If you stare more than 5 seconds you have to buy me a drink. Drink for Dink.”

Phil is silent for a few more seconds before blinding and shaking his head. “I’m so confused…”

The man zips his fly and turns around, laughing. “Halloween, mate. I just came from a Halloween party.”

“Oh right, Halloween. Yes. That. Sorry, I really didn’t mean to stare. I was so confused.”

Dracula let his eyes rake up and down Phil’s body. “Understandable. You still owe me that drink though.” He has the slightest smirk playing on his lips, and Phil feels his face flush.

“Sure, of course. I really needa wee first, though.”

The man washes his hands and then claps Phil on the shoulder. “I’ll be by the bar.” Phil watches as he winks and then walks out, cape flowing behind him.

Phil goes into a stall to piss, always feeling too exposed and insecure using a urinal. His mind is wheeling.

Was Dracula hitting on him? Is that what it feels like to be…flirted with?

His stomach feels fuzzy, and he doesn’t think it’s just the alcohol.

When he finishes up and heads back out of the pub, he looks over at the table of his friends before letting his eyes scan the bar, landing on Dracula. He’s making small conversation with the bartender, and Phil feels funny again, but this time it feels wrong. Unpleasant, like he’s doing something bad.

Phil quickly heads to the front entrance of the pub and steps out into the cool October air. He walks down the street for a few minutes before stopping outside a closed shop and leans against it, pulling out his phone. There are no messages. There never are.

He rings Dan’s number.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until finally Dan answers, his voice raspy and soft. “What?”

Phil rubs his face with his other hand, groaning. “Dan…Dan I fucked up. I know I did. I know I’m overly attached and always hovering I just…Fuck Dan, I love you. I love you and I want you to come home a-and I want you to be okay again. I want us to be okay again…” He finishes quietly. He’s expecting Dan to just hang up on him, but he’s filled with relief when he doesn’t.

“Phil, we talked this through. You agreed to this and-”

“I only agreed to it because I knew it would make you happy.” Phil cuts in.

Dan continues on anyways, disregarding Phil. “-you know we need this. I need this. I love you too, but I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe for months.”

“Tell me what to do then, Dan. Tell me what I need to do for you to come back home.” Phil pleads.

“We edited the movie. We’ve done a few live shows. We pre-recorded the Halloween videos. You’re out of London. I’m somewhere. Once you’re back in town, I want to spend November away. I’ll stop in for live shows occasionally, but beyond that, I’m having a break. _We_ are having a break.”

Phil feels his blood run cold. He’s heard stories of his friends with difficult relationships, and he’s seen _FRIENDS_. He knows what a break really means, he isn’t stupid.

“Who is he?”

“Excuse me?”

“Who are you seeing while we’re ‘on a break’, Dan? Who’s this wonderful man who you’re gonna replace me with for a little while until you’re forced to come back to work with me?”

“Are you even listening to yourself right now, Phil? I’ve put up with your clingy ass for a decade. You sound insane. This isn’t a Ross and Rachel break. This is a mental break from work and emails and the come down from tour. And from you, because you are connected to every single bit of those things.”

Phil slowly slides down the brick wall, sitting on the cold pavement with his knees to his chest. “What if you realize I’m not what you want anymore?” He asks insecurely. Truthfully, he doesn’t want to know the answer.

“I think that’s majorly impossible. You’re all I could ever ask for, I’m just sick of you right now.” Dan laughs sadly, Phil can practically hear the tears in his voice. “It could always go the other way too, y’know. You could finally realize how fucked up I am and move on without me holding you back.”

“110% impossible. I’m stuck to you for life.”

“Well, not legally…yet.”

“Yet.” Phil repeats back to him, softer.

“Enjoy your time up north. Enjoy seeing your mates and family and whatever else you bunch will get up to. There’s no reason to worry about me.”

“Can I…Can I at least know where you’re staying?”

Dan sighs loudly, and Phil can hear the familiar squeak of an air mattress as Dan rolls over. “Bry’s. Well, I’m probably gonna head to the flat in the morning for that pizza and have a decent shower and sleep, but it’s mostly just Bryony’s.”

Phil nods a bit, his brain starting to feel fuzzier. “Danny?” He softly whines.

“Mmhm, Philly?”

“Ian got me…I’m really drunk right now.”

Phil smiles just the slightest hearing a soft snort from Dan’s end. “Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s all Ian’s fault.”

“And Dracula hit on me in the bathroom. It was really, really weird.” Phil giggles, letting his eyes close, wishing he was back curled up on the couch in their flat with Dan in his lap.

“Oh no, I’m competing with Dracula now? How could I suck better than him?”

“You’re better. Probably. I don’t plan on testing that out and finding out for myself. I’m just gonna believe you’re better…”

Dan yawns softly. “Thanks. And…thanks for not testing that out. I know I’m being a prick, but please try to understand where I’m coming from.”

“You come from Reading. Or your dick. Depending what coming you’re talkin’ about.”

“For fucks sake Phil!” Dan muffles his laugh with his hand. “Go back to mum’s and go to sleep. You don’t need Ian getting you drunker or Dracula trying to suck you off. Say goodnight to your mates and take care of yourself.”

“Wish you could take care of me…” He mumbles.

“I’m barely taking care of myself right now. There’s no way I could handle the both of us.”

“Wouldn’t be handling both of us. You take care of me and I take care of you.” Phil yawns. “That’s how we work, Danny.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to take care of yourself for a while.”

There are a few moments of silence. Phil hates it and loves it. He loves that it reminds him of being home, sitting comfortably in silence, just enjoying each others presence. He hates that he knows this perfect bubble will burst soon.

“Don’t wanna hang up…” Phil mumbles.

“You gotta, Phil.”

“But that means you go away…”

“That’s just how things are right now.”

“Well I think it’s really, really, really stupid.”

“I’m gonna head to sleep Phil. Last gaming video is tomorrow and then you’re set to upload your video on Halloween, right?”

Phil whines. It isn’t the time to be talking about work. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. AmazingPhilly’s ready to burst all over the YouTubes.”

“No bursting. Just uploading and kindly popping up into subscription boxes.” A few more moments of silence pass. Phil’s brain hurts, and he feels mixed up and confused. “I love you Phil. I really do.”

“Love you too Danny…will you call me anymore? I miss your voice…”

“Uh…Maybe. Don’t hold your breath, though.”

“Don’t worry I won’t. I need to breathe to stay alive, dummy.”

Dan laughs softly. “Goodnight Phil.”

“Night Danny…”


End file.
